Refrigerator Rights

Friday, Lafayette, Indiana

Just when you think you’ve heard every imaginable horror story, comes a new one that sets a new low. Our heads are still shaking about the incomprehensible story from Germany were a man sexually abused his daughter, fathered several children with her, and kept the entire plan locked up in the basement for years. Elizabeth Fritzi, raped over two decades by her father Josef, gave birth to seven children and was kept confined inside the basement of the house for 24 years! The depravity of the situation is mind boggling!

Among the disturbing side stories is the fact that the neighbors on their street never noticed or questioned what was going on inside that house. How could a young mother and seven children live two decades of their lives without contact, connection or notice by the people up and down their street? If ever there was a cautionary tale about social estrangement, here it is. And it indicates that the problem is not just one confined to modern America. The life of social isolation, connected to the world through electronic media means that more and more human beings are living life separated from the lives of those that immediately surround us. And while the consequences of this may be in most cases benign, every once in a while it’s devastating implications rear their head. Such is the case with Elizabeth Fritzi.

Professor Sparks and I sometimes have a difficult time communicating that the loss of refrigerator rights relationships is not a peripheral concern, but has an urgency that frequently involves life itself. While not every street has a neighbor whose home is a house of horrors, a most streets in modern life consist of homes that are detached not only by property boundaries, but by interpersonal boundaries as well. And while the results can sometimes a tragic, then almost all other cases diminish the quality of life within each home.

Do you know your neighbors? And I’m not talking about an idol, perverse curiosity about what shenanigans may be going on in the homes around you. I’m referring to the simple idea that you have a relationship and social connection with the individuals who are living out their lives right around your own. If you haven’t reached out, the benefits of doing so are unimaginable. As we pointed out in our book, Refrigerator Rights, the implications for our physical and emotional health are hard to calculate.

Tags: Links, Research, Insight, RR Anecdotes // Add Comment »

(This entry provided by Paul Scheuler)

Several years ago, when my wife was still working on her PhD, a group of fellow grad students started getting together on a weekly basis to have dinner. Almost none of us were local. We had all came from other states or other countries. None of us had family nearby. We began very casually, sharing an interest in food that was often shared during the day at school.

Then we began to meet once a week for dinner on Sundays, late afternoon and into early evening.  It became an established event, a ritual of sorts.  Each would make food that was reflective of his or her heritage. We began to call ourselves The Potluck Club and eventually a recipe book of some of our favorite foods was compiled and printed.

My wife and I often wound up hosting the meals. At the time, we were the only ones who had already established a household; i.e., we were older and lived in a house. I would iron the good tablecloth and use the good china and silver just like the Sunday dinners I often had while growing up. You know, after church on Sunday while still dressed up from services. The family all sat down together, often with company, and ate a good, leisurely meal. It reminded me of  “home” when I was growing up.

Our meals were usually long, with lots of conversation; talking about school and projects, who was doing his or her orals, who was defending, and, of course, lots of talk about others in the program, professors, etc. Eventually, the talk began to turn to family, how things were if they had been back home over breaks, and relationships with respective family members. We compared notes; who had the craziest family member, who was the nicest, and people’s life stories would start coming out.

We began to use these meals as a way to create our own family away from home. It was part support, part therapy, and part filling the gap of what was missing from own current lives. We all became very close and comfortable with each other. We were having our own “Harmonic Convergence”.

For about three years, we met almost every week. We had our core group and others would come and go.  The dynamics were the same; we were “family”, creating our own support system, opening our lives and sharing with each other. Of course, because cooking was involved, we had Refrigerator Rights to each other’s lives.

Of course, as in any transitional setting, people began to graduate and leave. No one was expecting to stay beyond his or her term of schooling. First, it was Chicago, the California, then India, and Seattle, New Jersey, St. Louis, Boston, and so on. There were fewer and fewer left for the Sunday meal. Each time it became harder to see someone go. But it was the natural course of people moving on today. Family members grow and then they leave.

Now there are only three of the original people left; my wife, our friend Penny, and me. What had been intended to be a stop-over here while my wife was in school has become fifteen years. We’ve bought our third house since moving here, we’ve had long-term jobs, and we have become a permanent fixture in this town. That is, until something else comes around.

I miss that sense of togetherness that we shared. We try to keep in touch through e-mail, phone calls, and such. When we see each other, rarely, it’s easy to pick up where we left off, but it’s not the same anymore. We all have changed, literally moved on, formed new groups; different and yet for the same purpose. We make friends through common interests, through work relationships, through meeting our neighbors. Life goes on.

It’s important that we be with people with whom we can share. But still, on Sunday afternoons, my mouth starts to water and I think of what the potluck will bring tonight.

Tags: Insight, RR Anecdotes // Add Comment »

Tags: Research, Insight // Add Comment »

The community where I live was host to one of many walks aimed at raising money for housing and homeless providers around our state this past weekend.  I participated in this event, and as always, was impressed by the number of people who voluntarily acted on behalf of people they had never met.

I glanced at the crowd of walkers as they gathered, feeling a sense of "home" and of hope.  They must have felt the same way, since I saw people shaking hands, laughing, talking and posing for pictures beneath the event logo.   Along the walking route, people waved to us, mouthing, "thank you" as we passed.

A community came together to meet a need.  This experience called each of us to consider the feeling of having no place to go, no place to call our own, no safe haven for ourselves or our worldly goods.  Our connection has helped meet this need and in doing so, confirmed a thought by Christian Morganstern, "Home is not where you live but where people understand you."

Tags: Uncategorized // Add Comment »

(This entry was provided by Paul Schueler)

I had a friend in high school whose mother knew absolutely everything about what was going on in her neighborhood.  I was always amazed at how she could know so much and yet she seldom left her house.  I asked my friend how she did this.  He told me that she sat at her kitchen table all day long drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes and watching the street scene outside her open kitchen door.  From there, Mrs. Schubie knew all of the people walking the streets; the kids on the way to school or the library near by, the adults going and coming from work, the dogs, who had the new car, who the “shifty” people were.  Just from observing the street scene she was able to glean so much about her neighborhood.  It wasn’t snooping but just observing. I couldn’t fathom how she could know so much by doing so little.  It was impressive.

Now I am not Mrs. Schubie.  I don’t sit at our kitchen table and smoke and drink coffee all day but our kitchen windows look out on 9th St.  I can see State and Hitt Streets, too.  I’ve learned much about our neighborhood, too, by just looking out and listening.  At 6:00 AM, the bells of First Presbyterian chime about 30 seconds after the courthouse clock.  On some mornings, I can hear the peals of the bells at St. Tom’s on the West Side.  The motorcycle with the very loud radio comes roaring up the Hill and turns onto State at about 6:45 during the summer; the group of school children walks by around 7:25; the runners come up the Hill and then back down.  Certainly, in this house at least, we always know which dog is coming up the street.  And so it goes all day long.

For me, I find comfort in seeing this every day.  The continuity and rhythms of life that we are all accustomed to, but don’t always notice, can give us a sense of belonging.  We can depend  on certain things happening.  What I like most, though, is that I too can see some of these patterns.  It gives me a sense of being a part of this neighborhood; of having been here long enough to notice what’s going on.  Life’s simple actions provide a sense of grounding.

I hope that everyone is able to have his or her own kitchen window and find comfort in looking out and learning, too.

Tags: Insight, RR Anecdotes // Add Comment »

A 2007 National Science Foundation study in the U.S. reported that one-fourth of all Americans have no one they can confide in or celebrate with, and the inner circles of the rest have fallen from about three confidants to two. Our need to elevate social connections to a higher priority is literally a matter of life and death.

In one study reported by Dr. Dean Ornish in Love and Survival, men and women who were about to have open-heart surgery were asked two questions: “Do you draw strength from your religious faith?” and “Are you a member of a group of people who get together on a regular basis?” Those who said no to both questions were dead within six months, compared to only three percent of those who said yes to both questions

Tags: Research, Insight // Add Comment »

Tags: Insight, RR Anecdotes // 1 Comment »

Tags: Research // Add Comment »

Wednesday, Purdue University

Glenn Sparks & I are amazed that virtually every week some new study strongly affirms the need for Refrigerator Rights relationships. Among the recent research includes a study of patients who had surgery and tracked their recovery. As reported in the New York Times it concluded that “Having a large network of friends and family… may help surgical patients experience less anxiety and pain before their operations and a quicker recovery afterward.”

They added that 20% of those patients who had limited social networks “reported almost twice as much postoperative pain intensity as the one-fifth with the largest. Smaller social networks were also associated with longer hospital stays.”

Among the critiques included the observation that “The average physician, when he takes a social history, asks about smoking and drugs and not the real social situation of the patient.” But “it looks like this is a real marker for problems.”

We are not surprised.

Tags: Research, Insight // Add Comment »

PAT THORNE is a psychotherapist in private practice in Virginia

I recently attended a Social Work conference and at one of the sessions the speaker discussed the idea of women being alone; how woman culturally are less comfortable being alone. And it is the result of long ingrained primal needs of a mate to protect and support her or children to give her purpose.

However, society and social norms are changing. With late marriages, increasing divorce rates and early widowhood more women are finding themselves alone. Her point was, as psychotherapists, we need to help our female clients discover their own self worth and to find peace and comfort in being alone. But solitude does not equal loneliness. It was an interesting and important message and I found myself of course thinking of my own circumstances. My times of being alone have taught me that lesson. I found myself agreeing with her premise, but then thinking “Okay I got that, now what?”

You see I moved recently, far away from where I had lived for almost sixteen years. My husband took a new job and we now live in a small town in the middle of Virginia. I have started a small private psychotherapy practice which means I work alone. Unlike my husband who goes off to a building of 300 people I spend my workday with just me. Now luckily I am comfortable with my own company and have more than even to keep me occupied but I am feeling the need to get connected or reconnected to other people - but how? What do I do when I want and need to be with others?

This need for outside connection became glaringly apparent during a recent session with a client. A woman struggling with depression was discussing her increasing lack of interest and motivation in things she used to enjoy. “I don’t even want to go to my book club or that lecture series at the university.”

In a flash, a million thoughts raced through my mind "A book club! There’s a book club?! Where? Can I join? I wonder what books they are reading – it doesn’t matter - wow a book club. And a lecture series!? At the university, hmm, I’ll have to check out the website – I’m sure they post them there, wow a book club!"

Now these thoughts took but a nanosecond to occur in my mind and I quickly regrouped and refocused my attention on my client sitting in front of me. I continued the session focusing on her issues. Nevertheless, these thoughts and the feelings they triggered have stayed with me. I find myself thinking a lot these days about my own need for more outside connections. As her depression is pulling her inward towards herself, I am feeling the push to go outward toward others. The question now is how and where? – “maybe I can take her spot at the book club – just until she’s feeling better”

Yikes! I need to get out more!

Tags: Insight, RR Anecdotes // Add Comment »